It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
