When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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