I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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