Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
