Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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