He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
