I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh god it's open bar.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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