Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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