I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
