I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
