Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
