highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wish my penis had a tongue
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
