We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
