a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
