I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
