Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize