I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
