Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
