Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
honey bunches of taint.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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