Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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