John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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