I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He shit in the fireplace
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
