he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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