as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
