We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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