So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
