So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
