Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
