dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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