Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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