If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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