happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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