Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
