oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
