You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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