I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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