He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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