I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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