you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
