I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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