My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
