I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
