Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
