I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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