the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
