Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
