Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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