Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
