I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
