woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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