So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
