Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
