I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
