No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
