My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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