Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize