final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
