I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
