he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
