When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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