so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
