totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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