we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
