So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
