tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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